Laying on my sofa surrounded by a mountain of half eaten snacks, I flick aimlessly through the pages of a gossip magazine, feeling slightly disgusted with myself. I’m sure I’ve put on a half a stone in weight within the last week, but I wouldn’t know because I stopped weighing myself a long time ago. You see recently I’ve been reintroduced to an old friend, my appetite. You could say I’ve been enjoying our reunion just a little too much. But when you’ve had a difficult relationship with food & diet, it’s hard not to get carried away.
For over a year I lost my appetite, sometimes not eating for days on end. Then I would binge on rubbish to fill me up. I was actually happy about being thinner though, I thought I looked good. But for that I sacrificed my hair, my skin, my health, I didn’t look good at all.
Now the smell of food no longer makes me gag, I’m wanting food, like really wanting it. I haven’t felt like that for so long. But I would be lying if I said I’ve been enjoying this new found food frenzy completely guilt free. I’m constantly looking in the mirror, observing my rounding tummy as it starts to fill out slightly, noticing my jeans are a little tighter.
I’m scared about changing, I’m scared of going back to the girl who hid in leggings and baggy jumpers. As I continued to flick through the pages of the glossy magazine, I stumbled upon a story about Demi Lovato. It talked about her weight battles. Various pictures of Demi spread across the page, of her at various stages of her life. In each picture, she looked beautiful. Because she is beautiful. Beautiful beyond the bullshit of celebrity culture.
Demi has battled with her weight and she has also battled with Bipolar. For me, she is an absolute inspiration, because she owns it and she isn’t ashamed of the effects of her illness, weight gain/loss is just one example. I know it’s my medication that’s given me this new found appetite, and yes I’m scared of gaining weight but in the words of Miss Lovato, I will not sacrifice my mental health for a perfect body. I may carry a few extra pounds, but it’s better than carrying the burden of bipolar. Sometimes we have to pick our battles, and I chose to battle my brain not my body.
P.s I fucking love Demi Lovato.