Yesterday I visited a friend at her house for the first time. We knew each other through mutual friends but had only met up once prior to this at a soft play. We kept in touch though, and kept promising each other ‘we must do it again soon!’
Over the the last year or so I’ve been pretty much non-existent in social circles. Some friends have been understanding, but sadly many have not. I decided this year I would focus on the friends who have been there, so even though I still feel a bit wobbly in my moods I was determined not to cancel.
I was anxious anyway (as would anyone be going somewhere new) but luckily my best friend was coming along too. We all have kids around the same age so we thought we could all catch up whilst the kids played/caused carnage. I had arranged to follow my best friend so I wouldn’t get anxious if I got lost, & all seemed well.
Except it wasn’t.
What started out as a lovely afternoon with lovely company ended with me ruining it, as usual. I know it’s not my fault, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. Sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee mid conversation, and I just. I don’t even know. I had to leave. I started to sweat. I knew I was going to burst into tears.
Fighting back tears as I rushed around getting my things I failed to notice Max was losing his balance, he then fell and made me feel a million times worse.
They think I’m crazy
They think I’m a bad mum
I can’t remember if I said bye. Tears fell rapidly onto my steering wheel as I tried to drive home. I kept stalling. Everything was just wrong and I didn’t even know why. Why have you got to do this all the time Lau? Why can’t you just be normal. You’ll have no friends left at this rate.
But that is NOT true!
When we feel low, we don’t feel deserving of friends, but the times we don’t deserve friends are usually the times we need them most. I focus too much on the negative when I’m in a low mood. I can’t see what I have in front of me.
Wonderful, patient, kind friends. Friends who know I’m not perfect but stick by my side anyway. Friends who get pissed off with me but don’t abandon me. Friends who understand I might cancel plans, I might not be myself sometimes. Friends who love me, unconditionally.
When I got home my best friend rang me. I didn’t answer at first but my god is she persistent. Half an hour on the phone to her did me the world of good. I went from not wanting to be here, to feeling alright & that was all because she gave me the time.
So this ones for you! My best friend- for always being on the end of the phone, for rushing to my side when I’m feeling hopeless, for including me in everything, for listening to me and wiping my tears, for still making plans with me even when I’ve cancelled a million times, for not judging me when I say how I feel.
I know it’s not easy being my friend, and I’m sorry sometimes I can’t be the friend I want to be but I’m forever grateful for all that you do, and I love you more than you’ll ever know.
Your friendship gives me hope when I’m hopeless, put a smile on my face when I want to cry, and makes me want to stick around. I owe you a lot, I owe you my life.
And even though I thought I’d lost a friend before I had even made one, my new Mum friend was just as understanding and kind. So here’s to next time, to better days, to friends and to being kind – because you never know what battles people are silently fighting.
Love, Laura xo